Sometimes the most powerful insights come in the simplest truths. In Let’s Talk: Communicating with Today’s Youth, I uncovered one of those gold nuggets—a perspective that shifts how we think about every conversation we have with young people:

“How many conversations do we have with our kids around normal things that are related to their interests in contrast to those related to giving them directions, directives, and correction? For almost everyone reading, the proportion that you come up with in an honest assessment of your interactions will likely correlate with your success in communicating with your child. The parents I’ve encountered who regularly talk to their kids about topics of interest rather than directive conversations traditionally have better relationships with their kids.”

That line may seem simple, but it holds one of the biggest keys to unlocking how we build real influence with today’s young people.

Most of us think communication with young people comes down to rules, advice, and life lessons. But if you really examine the ratio of instructional conversations to everyday ones, you might find a problem.

In Let’s Talk, I challenged parents and educators to ask themselves: How often do we talk to kids about things that interest them versus times we’re giving directions, corrections, or critiques? The answer usually explains a lot about the quality of the relationship.

Here’s the truth: relationships aren’t built in the big “sit down, let me tell you something important” moments. They’re built in car rides about music, conversations over a late-night snack, or laughing about a silly meme. Those ordinary moments are deposits into the trust account. Then, when it’s time to give instruction or correction, kids are more willing to hear it—because you’ve already proven you care about them, not just their performance.

Instructional conversations are withdrawals. Everyday conversations are deposits. If your balance is always negative, don’t be surprised when the bank closes.

So here’s my challenge: Today, instead of just telling a young person what to do, try starting a conversation about something that matters to them—even if you couldn’t care less about TikTok trends, Fortnite, or their favorite rapper. Those small investments pay the biggest dividends in connection.