When kids are upset, they’re not always calm or respectful. Sometimes their frustration comes out as anger, sarcasm, or even yelling. It’s tempting for adults to get caught in the delivery and miss what’s underneath: a deeper concern, fear, or even a cry for help.

In Let’s Talk: Communicating with Today’s Youth, I wrote:

“Often, young people present a smoke screen of argument that distracts our focus, but the responsibility of control and maintaining the healthiness of the conversation lies on us as adults. … Sometimes the argument is the only way that they know how to ask for help. How we respond will reinforce that they can either talk to us or not.”

Let’s step back from our kids a second and face a hard truth: as adults, we aren’t much better than kids at expressing ourselves when we’re upset or angry. When we’re upset, our delivery often isn’t great either; our tone sharpens, our volume rises, and our patience becomes a struggle. The difference is that as adults, we rarely get called out on it the way kids do. We expect young people to manage their delivery with maturity they haven’t yet developed, while giving ourselves a pass when ours falls short.

Why We Miss the Message

We react to the surface. Adults often lock onto the disrespect or sharp delivery instead of what’s driving it.
We take it personally. Often, their frustration isn’t even really about us, it’s about something else entirely.
We forget our own reflection. If we’re honest, our approach sometimes makes things worse, but kids don’t get to point that out without consequence.

How to Listen Past the Delivery

Hold a Mirror Up to Ourselves
Ask: “If someone spoke to me the way I just spoke to them, how would I feel?” Self-checks keep us accountable.
Name the Emotion, Not Just the Tone
“I can hear that you’re frustrated. Let’s figure out why.” This shifts the focus from how it was said to what needs attention.
Look for the Help Behind the Heat
Remember: sometimes the outburst is the only language they know for asking for help and saying, “Please see me, I need help!”

A Practical Example

Youth: “You don’t care what I think!”

Surface Reaction (delivery-focused): “Don’t yell at me like that!” → Escalation.
Message Reaction (empathy-focused): “It sounds like you feel ignored. Help me understand.” → De-escalation, with trust.

Later, circle back: “I want to talk about your concern — and also about how you expressed it. That way, we both learn to handle hard conversations better.”

Closing Thought

Listening past delivery doesn’t excuse disrespect. It models balance. If we want kids to learn how to handle frustration without losing the message, then we have to show them what that looks like in our own communication and example. When both sides work on tone and message, conflict becomes less about winning and more about growing.