One of the biggest obstacles to connecting with young people is that we spend too much time talking at them and not enough time talking with them.

In Let’s Talk: Communicating with Today’s Youth, I wrote:

“How many conversations do we have with our kids around normal things that are related to their interests in contrast to those related to giving them directions, directives, and correction? For almost everyone reading, the proportion that you come up with in an honest assessment of your interactions will likely correlate with your success in communicating with your child. The parents I’ve encountered who regularly talk to their kids about topics of interest rather than directive conversations traditionally have better relationships with their kids.”

This is a hard truth for many of us: if most of our words are commands, corrections, or lectures, we shouldn’t be surprised if kids tune us out. No one likes to feel like they’re being constantly managed.

Turning Lectures into Dialogue

Lectures feel one-sided because they are. Dialogue invites partnership. The goal isn’t to get kids to obey on command, the goal is to help them think, reflect, and choose wisely on their own.

Here are three ways to turn a monologue into a conversation this week:

Flip the Question
Instead of saying: “You need to do your homework before you play games.”
Try asking: “What’s your plan to finish homework before you start gaming tonight?”
Invite Their Thinking
Instead of: “You need to stay out of trouble at school.”
Try: “What’s been going on in class lately; anything making it harder to focus?”
Share Your Perspective Briefly, Then Listen
Keep your part short. State your concern, then let them talk, even if it means a pause feels awkward. Silence is where kids start to process.

A Weeklong Challenge

Try to notice your ratio of directive talk vs. interest talk this week. If 80% of your words are commands or corrections, aim to bring that down to 50%. Ask about music, sports, friends, or memes they love. Show them you’re interested in who they are, not just what they’re doing wrong.

Why This Matters

When we switch from “talking at” to “talking with,” we tell kids: You matter. Your voice matters. Your thoughts matter. That shift changes the relationship from a compliance-based transaction to a collaboration. Over time, it builds trust, and trust is the soil where real relationship and influence grows.

A Final Thought

If this post resonates, Let’s Talk dives deeper into the power of shifting from directives to dialogue, and why that shift might be the single most important thing you do for your relationship with the young people in your life.